HOUSTON – Coming into mid-July, the NFL finds itself in the proverbial “Dead Zone.” There aren’t any real deals to be made. Training camps are still a couple of weeks away and pre-season football is still off in the future. Still, that doesn’t mean that people aren’t keen to find out any news about their favorite team. In particular, there is a great deal of excitement surrounding the Houston Texans, who seemed primed for big things on the heels of their breakout 2023 season.

Excitement is high for the city when it comes to football. “Hey, you mean we can look forward to sports after October? That’s a switch!” noted one sports reporter. “Usually, after the Astros finish up their post-season run, we get a nice long fall/winter break…or we used to before spring training. But now, our editors are all ‘Hey, you can’t go on vacation. You got the Texans beat, and the Rockets.’. Used to be, if you heard that, you were the noob getting the [KITTEN] assignments, but now, they expect real work out of us. And the crazy thing is…more of the older hands kinda want to cover those games.”

A fair number of other media persons noted the uptick in interest in late fall/winter sports in Houston after several years of not dealing with that. Even one older reporter noted how he doesn’t expect to disparage the Houston teams as much “Oh, I suspect they will still have moments of being pathetic. Can’t ever not go with my catchphrase, but maybe, just maybe, the Texans won’t be as…pathetic?”

Why the optimism? A lot of that has to do with the various personnel moves of the Texans over the past few years. In particular, the 2023 Draft, which yielded two potential franchise cornerstones in C.J. Stroud and Will Anderson, Jr. gets a lot of attention. Yet, this past off-season, the personnel moves just continue to increase a lot of people’s hopes and expectations about the team.

“Are you shocked?” an unnamed staffer noted. “You know who’s making those moves, right? The man, the myth, the legend…Nick Caserio.”

“Is he really a myth and legend?” Our reporter countered.

“Ok, perhaps the last two are a bit over the top, but the way he is going, he could get to that point.” The staffer countered. “Think about it. Dude has signed probably nearly 100 free agents and draft picks since he’s been here. Somehow, in those first two years, he brought in like 70 or so dudes, and our cap space didn’t swell to dangerous proportions. He traded off that toxic asset Watson for a steal, used those picks to get us some straight ballers…and I guess Kenyon Green, and when he had real money, he spent, but didn’t hamstring the team for more than a year or so. Gotta like what you are seeing, and that is not just because he pays me and would end me if I ever said anything against him.”

“Wait, he would end you…”

“Not important. What you have to know is that the guy has it going on with all them signings. You notice how New England kinda started sucking once he left?”

“See, what did I tell you? I was right about Caserio. You should have signed him in 2019….think where I…er, the Texans would be if you had done that…” a strange voice boomed in during the course of the interview.

“Oh, sorry about that.” The staffer immediately got up and headed into the direction of the Doordash delivery guy. “Here you go. Now, safe trip back to College Station you…”

“Anyway, it is all about the art of the deal with Nick. Especially when he is about to make you the offer you can’t refuse.”

“Hold it. Caserio is not, like, the Godfather or anything here, right? He doesn’t use actual violence…”

“Dude!!! Just because he is of Italian American descent doesn’t mean he has any role in La Cosa Nostra. Besides, Hannah wouldn’t never allow anything like that to happen. Can you imagine all the legal issues if [Head Coach] DeMeco [Ryans] actually got the chance to pile-drive all the agents that try to renegotiate all of our offers?” Our reporter couldn’t argue with that logic.

“So, what is the secret?”

The staffer looked around nervously, and then in a lower tone “It is when he gives you the ‘gun’ and it about to “pull the trigger.”

“WHAT?!?”

“Shhhhhhhh!!!! It is not an actual ‘gun’, although we are in Texas…no, when he is gearing up to make you an offer, he will make the “gun” sign…Trust me, once he busts that out, you are as good as his. From there, it is only a matter of how much it will cost him and what dollar amount you accept.”

Our reporter noted “Surely you jest.” Yet, when reviewing the footage and images, Caserio will bust out the “gun” when talking with folks, looking to make a deal.

This is how you execute the real “Art of the Deal”

“Hey, how do you think he snagged such great seats at the Texas Bowl that one year? Ok, nobody goes to that game, but still. He got the sideline pass, and got the coach to offer up his bowl bonus for the privilege to talking with him, pushed Coach Ryans to use his draft picks on certain plays in mini-camp. Got Hannah to approve the Will Anderson Jr. trade by using the “gun”. Got Cal to fire Easterby with…er, well, I think Hannah was gonna have Cal fire him anyway…look, when he busts that out, he’s getting what he wants.”

How he got Ryans to run a certain play

“Used that not a couple of days ago to bring back Jerry Hughes on a veteran minimum deal. Didn’t want the depth going to anyone in the division, or [DURGA] forbid, Dallas, so he drives up to Jerry’s place, talks with him, and when Hughes is a little unsure, Caserio gives him the ‘gun’, and boom…Hughes is under contract.”

When asked if Caserio has passed that skill on to others, the staffer noted “Well, Stroud tried to use that to help out with getting a potential backup QB to Houston, but I don’t think it worked out. Especially after that Hamlin pick-six…”